Here comes a spider...

The office was absolutely amazing. A stream of sunshine was coming through the two large windows and brightly lit a dark wooden desk in the middle of the room. Rows of book cases of the same dark wood made the room look like an old-fashioned library. I glanced at the books’ titles: “A Jet to Success,” “Better Business Boom,” “A Day in the Life of a CEO,” “I, Me, and My Company.” They were pretty modern, just like the office equipment placed all over this library-looking room. A fax machine, a scanner, a printer, and a copier stood in a row by the desk; a laptop and a phone were on the desk, and a huge flat-screen TV was mounted to the wall. On the desk, I also saw a peculiar rectangular golden piece with a slot on the top. It was a holder for my business cards! I saw a few of them in other cubicles. Linda wished me a wonderful first day of work and left.

I sat on a big leather armchair behind the desk, then leaned back on a cool head cushion and closed my eyes. That felt so relaxing that I almost drifted off to sleep.

 “Come on, Liza! No time to rest!!” I patted myself on both cheeks and immediately woke up.  I could barely believe that this day was really happening in my life! I felt like a princess in a modern-day fairy tale: only instead of a beautiful castle, I had a beautiful company. I pulled out a massive desk drawer on the right. Wow! A real treasure – multicolored pens, pencils, markers, glistening staples and pushpins, post-it notes, stamps, rolls of scotch tape, labels, a glue stick, a pencil-sharpener – everything was neatly organized in separate small containers inside the drawer. This was something I always wanted to have in my own desk at home in order not to upset Mom with broken pencils and rumpled pieces of paper scattered all over the house.

In another drawer on the left I found a neat stack of envelopes with the company’s official logo: a smiley face with “Association of Fun Manufacturers” spelled out in a circle.

The third drawer contained a stack of folders overflowing with documents left behind by Mr. Glater, my predecessor. Pooh. There was so much I had to go over. I knew I would have to become as knowledgeable as Mr. Glater had been and even better. I knew I would be able too, of course, well, maybe. I felt that something like a cold spider with its sharp legs crawled onto my back. It was fear. Yes, I was scared to death. “What if I fail?” 

“S-s-s-s-!”

After we lost sight of the sorry-boy, Linda and I stood still for a while enjoying the quietness. “Oh my!” Linda remembered suddenly, “I completely forgot to introduce this employee to you, Miss Klim. His name is Caesar, Caesar Rey, director of statistics and market information department. Our association keeps track of all the products we have ever developed, produced, advertised and promoted, and Caesar is in charge of this part of our business. He also runs the international statistics data release. Bebbie Darson is his right hand. Caesar is a very nice guy, but . . . ,” Linda searched for a proper word, “but too-o-o-o fast.” At this moment, Caesar became “The speedy department” (in my mental database, of course).

On the way to my (personal!!!) office Linda gave me a tour of the company’s facilities: their two meeting rooms, a conference hall, a lunch area, supply cabinets, a shipping station, a storage space, and the brand new hi-tech copy machine in a separate corner of the main work area.

“And this is our server room,” Linda explained as she pointed at the heavy door between the storage and conference hall. “It pretty much remains locked at all times as there is nothing fun to see there. Just a bunch of metal shelves and boxes, and knots and knots of wires, the stuff only our computer guys understand and enjoy.”

I heard some “S-s-s-s-!” coming from behind the door, “Sh-sh-sh-sh! D-d-d-d-d-d! R-r-r-r-r!”

“What about these sounds? Is this normal?” I asked. But Linda didn’t seem to be surprised at the sounds and just answered: “I guess so. I think this is something the back-up system does occasionally. If there had been anything wrong, our computer wizards would have let us known.”

“I see,” I said but thought that the sounds were kind of weird. Some hybrid of hissing and rattling I’ve never heard before. I wanted to listen more, but had to follow Linda who could not wait to impress me with my new office.

“Sh-sh-sh-s-s-s-d-d-d-d-s-s-s-s-d-d-d-d-r-r-r-r!” I heard again behind my back as Linda and I walked away from the server room.

What a hit!

The “tock-tock-tock” boy’s right shoulder was slightly forward and he was running so fast that he was barely touching the ground with his small feet. With his left arm, he was pressing a misshaped stack of papers against his chest. The papers were falling out of the stack piece by piece leaving a white trail on the floor. At the same time, the boy was yelling: “Sorry, I’m very sorry, Miss Klim! They’ve just told me about you. I’m sorry I missed you when you stopped by!” He waved cheerfully from the distance without waiting for Linda’s introduction. As he approached, he continued talking without a pause. “Phew, I’ve just come back from an off-site meeting on global sustainability. A great meeting, by the way! If AFM could get more involved in sustainability projects that would be fantastic . . . I mean, sorry, I should have said first - what a delight to meet you, Miss Klim! Linda, nice to see you too! You look great today! Thank you for bringing Miss Klim, Linda! Thank you for being here, Miss Klim!’ The boy vigorously shook my hand with both his hands and dropped the rest of the papers at my feet.

“Oh, I’m sorry again! Clumsy me!” The boy bent down to pick up the papers, but forgot to let go my hand. I got pulled down and smashed my forehead against the boy’s. It was quite a hit.

“Ouch!” I exclaimed and covered the sore spot with my hand. “Oh, my God!” Linda screamed, “Are you all right, Miss Klim?” I was about to say that it was quite painful and now I could hear a loud ringing in my head, but I looked at the boy and stopped short. He was so terrified that he stood motionless, with his mouth open, pale in the face, and breathing heavily.

I just had to say: “I’m okay. Nothing to worry about, really!” I even tried to smile as I was afraid that the boy would start crying.

Then Linda and I had to listen to the boy’s long stream of apologies filled with a dozen “sorrys” and two dozen “please forgive me.” It took me another five minutes to convince the boy that “everything is just fine,” that I was happy to meet him and that I would be equally happy to work with him. Finally, the boy felt better. “I look forward to making our wonderful company even better, Miss Klim! And I am very sorry about the incident! I promise that will never happen again!” the boy yelled as he darted away still looking back and waving at me. In a few seconds, the boy bumped into another employee, apologized to him, dropped his papers again, picked them up, and eventually disappeared in one of the cubicles. 

The sleepy department

I called Bebbie “The tough department.”  By the time we met her, my mind was already overflowing with information. I remembered that around this time there was an outdoor recess at my school where everyone could get refreshed on our spacious playground. Well, there was no recess at AFM and I had to accept that. But I wasn't at all unhappy. I was pretty excited about my new and first job. All I wished for in addition to the marvelous job offer was just a tiny bit of rest.

“You have to be strong! Cheer up and try not to think about the fatigue. After all, exchanging greetings and shaking hands never killed anyone!” I commanded myself. Sure, it never killed anyone. This is what I thought until I met another employee, Claire Starkoff, international marketing coordinator, who spoke in a slow, droning voice without making a single pause between sentences and subjects: “It is a pleasure meeting you, Miss Klim, what a nice day for our company to welcome you here I’m glad actually the weather has been quite stable over the past few days as I can’t stand neither cold nor heat because I have to pay frequent visits to Starbucks to get energized and as you know excessive caffeine is bad for you however some studies have shown that it is good but sometimes even studies cannot be trusted especially on such unpredictable subject matter like the global market that our department monitors by the way Linda my computer monitor needs to be replaced….”

            As Claire rambled on, I felt as if I was sinking into a large bowl of corn syrup and was unable to crawl out of the heavy sticky substance. I put my hand into a skirt pocket and secretly pinched myself by the leg. This did help me shake off the eminent slumber, but I was afraid I could not stay awake for long. Fortunately, Linda came to the rescue.

“Thank you, Claire. This is very interesting. Miss Klim will be scheduling individual meetings with each employee to discuss their further work projects.”

            “. . . like those vacation cabanas in Cancun,” Claire finished her long train of thought, but no one was particularly interested in how she got on this topic.

Claire became “The sleepy department.”

“Let me take you to your office now, Miss Klim. No one will disturb you there for the rest of the day. I am sure you have many things to sort out,” Linda said as if reading my thoughts again. (“Hurray!” I shouted in my head.)

            “That would be very nice. I really would like . . . ,” I did not finish the sentence as I heard the sound of fast little steps “tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock” and saw a short nimble boy rush in our direction….

D as Devil, A as Axe, R as Rat

So, Rich raved on and on and I had no idea if his irritation ever came to an end.

“Rich! R-i-i-ich!” Linda tried to attract Rich’s attention, “I’d like you to meet Miss Klim, our new president! Rich Gustavsson, director of public relations.”

            “Oh,” Rich Gustavsson stopped short, paused for a second and muttered, “Eh . . . uh . . . n-nice to meet you.” It seemed that it was a real effort for Rich to carry on a polite conversation.

            “I’ve been just telling Miss Klim what a wonderful place AFM is,” Linda tried to take the edge off the situation.

“Oh, yeah!” Rich was very glad to get some help, “AFM is a wonderful place. Just exceptional. I love it! Once in a while I feel like killing someone around here, but, in general, I love it! Lo me gusta! Have you heard about my Blackberry, Miss Klim? Is this the way to do business?” Before Liza answered, Mr. Gustavsson was already walking away from them gesturing and complaining about something else.

            Linda sighed. “Some people just never change,” I read in Linda’s eyes. But Rich was worthy of being added to my mental database. I named him “The grumbling department.”

 “We are almost done, Miss Klim,” said Linda. The advertising department is next and, I believe, it’s the last one. This department is responsible for our product and service promotion. They publish brochures and flyers, work with national and international advertising agencies, engage in social media, and much more. Ms. Bebbie Darson, the advertising coordinator, will be happy to tell you everything about their operations.”

We caught Bebbie Darson talking on the phone in her cubicle. Actually, “talking” was too mild of a word. Bebbie was screaming. “If you touch my ads, I’ll chop your hands off - no one touches my ads but me and only me! Are we clear on that?!” Bebbie noticed me and Linda at the cubicle entrance, waved to us with a smile and a second later she was already screaming again in the receiver: “It is I who decides when changes are appropriate! I, Bebbie Darson!  Darson! D as Devil, A as Axe, R as Rat . . . ” I did not hear the rest as Linda hastily pulled me away from Bebbie’s cubicle.

The pretty department and the angry man

When Linda and I reached the last cubicle, I was so-o-o- mentally exhausted. Linda said it would take a while before I knew everyone by name. “But,” she added smiling as if reading my thoughts, “But time flies, and besides, nothing is impossible in this life!”

I really liked her and I felt way more confident in her presence. My only concern was whether I would ever learn as much as Linda did. I tried not to get distracted by such thoughts because the more I thought about my new career, the more scared I became. I did my best to stay focused and to repeat over and over: yes, you can, you will learn, yes, you can, etc. It was like self-hypnosis. In fact, this technique did help. Only one hour later I knew pretty much everyone by name and half of the staff – by their position. Some people were very peculiar, like Vanessa Duncan, the girl with big grey eyes, a fine little mouth, and the perfectly white complexion of a porcelain doll. She was director of the department of international trade shows. When Linda introduced her to me, Vanessa only slightly nodded her head and gave me a feeble, almost airy handshake with her small delicate hand. I guess, excitement was not among Vanessa’s best qualities – she seemed to be afraid that a single emotion would harm her poised beauty. For my own reference, I called her “The pretty department.”J

Then there was Rich Gustavsson. Before I saw him, I heard an angry voice coming from the conference room: “No, no, no! I said I know nothing! I don’t understand, no comprendo, Ich verstehe nicht!” It took Linda a while to catch Rich’s attention because he couldn’t stop being angry about… everything. He yelled: “Where for Pete’s sake is my Blackberry? Who took it I am asking? Donde es mi Blackberry?! Wo ist mein Blackberry?!” Then he caught a glimpse of Linda and yelled at her without paying any attention to me: “Get this, Linda! All Blackberries are being checked by our computer people because apparently there is something wrong with the AFM international phone reception. Everyone knows about this but me! Great!”

I just stood there wondering what I should do to make him look at me and maybe get a bit more polite…

Happy 4th of July!

What a wonderful picnic with my coworkers! Happy 4th of July, everybody! It's nice to have a day off, but I

can't wait for a work day tomorrow:-)